Cinderela no país das Maravilhas

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Troubled in mails – 2/10/2013

I can’t focus.
I don’t know where my stuff is because I moved everything when I was hipo and can’t remember this logic now.
It’s all like a boring fuzzy movie.
I already wrote ten different sentences and deleated them all.

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Troubles through mails – 09/2013

I feel slowly getting more dumb.
Usually that is consequence of depression, not of the pills, but i just tripped in this while I was looking for data to my portuguese Blogs. Now I am upset and scared!!

https://www.google.pt/?gws_rd=cr&ei=0qI8UrTRDYbX7Abq5YGoDg#q=antipsychotics+brain+shrink&start=10

PFTTTTT!!!
I am going to write my shrink too – Now their name in english really makes sense!!
And how am i going to sleep if I drop those?? OUCHHH 😦

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Return / 2012

Tudo e por nada.

Sinto, logo vivo. Um pôr-do-sol lamechas distante. Impulsos concretizados. Desembaraço. Aproximação fácil às pessoas.

Clonazepan. Autorizado por psiquiatra.Sim. Tantos quanto precisar.

Alegria. À vontade. Descontração.

Regressei. Sim. Aos compromissos. À vida. Às pessoas. Em cerca de 10 dias.

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Now and Then

Outside is sunny.
My goals are hidden someplace in my brain where my present awareness and neurons cannot reach for some reason.

I seat on the bed. I promise myself: I am going to stay up or seat for the rest of the day. I waddle around home. Soon I am zapping, laying in my bed.

Yesterday I watched the best documentary I have ever found on depression. It helps to don’t feel a total stranger.
What hurts the most is not what the pain from depression gives to the one suffering from it. What stroked me hard was to listen to relatives saying that all the family is dragged to this reality.

Until 10 years ago to have a normal life, for me, was the most terrible dumb mundane life one could have. Marriage, job 9-5, kids…noooo…I had this proud, stupid awareness that thought I could make my way through life choosing other ways of being, of living.

Now I am angry at the world about being this lonely – friends spend most of their social life in family.
I am also angry because I am jobless. I would accept anything right now. Waiting, cleaning, whatever.

But the economy joined my disease, joined a social dying state, happy together to destroy life’s of “normal” people, along with mine.

And, to make it even more interesting, my psychiatrist decided that I am not depressed. I am just frustrated…she doesn’t want to deal with more up’s and downs so she decided I am just sad.
I would be happy that she was right. She has seen me so much worse in the past.. I have been in emotional states, in the past, where I barely could articulate a phrase. But right now I am not functioning very well, either.
And most “tips” to deal with depression that we find online were probably created by people that never had a deep depression.

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